Deep in thought....and as happy as I have ever been..

When I am in the middle of trials I always know that I am in the Lord's care..I often think that later on down the road I will see why I had to go through it..Sometimes I do see it and sometimes I don't...I have come to realize that ever since Alexis started kindergarten I have been trying to keep up with the Jones's..I always felt that being a young mother I had to not only act the part but look the part too..I live in a very affluent community where everyone owns homes and nice cars..Even the few friends I had that were my age owned their houses..Their parents had helped them of course..Well I used to wallow in my self pity..I was so hurt that my parents never helped us...We have raised our family all on my own (with God's help) from the beginning..I felt such pressure to be in a better financial situation...or at least to look like I was..Well we had to move in with gma Dianne to catch up on bills and get our credit fixed..All my friends are losing their houses..cars..boats..trailers.. and are drowning under credit card debt... I am so glad that we aren't going through that...But even if the economy wasn't bad I learned a valuable lesson this past year...God has finally helped me stop being superficial...I am so glad to be anywhere with my family..I don't have to own a house...I just need to have our own place with our children..Living at Dianne's I lost my identity....She took over the laundry..I know it sounds nice..I hate laundry but I realized that laundry is a way I care for my family..It is a way I express my love for them..Everyone has their own way to do laundry and of course she didn't do it the way I did..She also corrected the kids at the dinner table before I could even open my mouth to do so. I felt like I didn't matter.. She would stop the kids from doing something I told them to do a chore for her...I am not mad at her for that..I mean, it was her house..I still made d all their meals and packed their lunches of course but I started to really lose myself as a mother..I have been a mother since I was 18..I am now 29 ..It has been my whole adult life and to have your role diminished was hard for me to deal with..Now that we have been living on our own for two weeks now I am so happy!! I realized, as I am cleaning, cooking and bathing my kids that all I need to be happy is to run my house..It doesn't matter where or what my house is...It just matters that we are a family again! Even the kids felt our connection breaking down while we lived there..Not to mention the drama!! We are so thankful for gma dianne's kindness and hospitality...and please know that I am not resentful towards her at all..that was her house and she should run it accordingly...I would have done the same thing or I might have even been more controlling..I realize that I like things done my way. We are so happy to be here in our own space ! When we are done renting this house, if we can't buy I will be perfectly content to live in a condo or apartment...I don't care if I am judged my others...I will be happy to live together within our means...California is expensive and we have three kids...They drain our bank account daily..but we are not starving and we have clothes on our back..for that I am truly grateful!! God has really taught me to count my blessings and to bask in the daily blessings of my beautiful family...I pray that I will not get sucked back into this superficial county but with the economy the way it is I think everyone has been knocked down a peg or two. Thank you God for my wonderful husband who works his buns off everyday to support us and thank you also for my three healthy, bright, kind, well mannered, energetic and spirited children!